Some days, I'm ashmed to be a human....

Lately, there seems to have been an over abundance of things/people/situations that have sent my blood pressure soaring to dangerously high levels.  Some days, I'm just plain ashamed to be a member of the human race.  Some days, I'd rather be a dog and lick my ass and eat my own poop, than be grouped in the same category as my fellow HomoSapiens.  Below... I have provided you with a list of things that make me angrier than Dan Gilbert at a Miami Heat game........

Drivers:  I don't know if they started handing out stupid pills at the Secretary of State or what but everyday on my way to work, I can't help but wonder, HOW DID YOU FUCKS GET DRIVERS LICENSES?!?!?! Green means go, Red means stop, yellow means slooooow down.  LANE ENDS IN 3/4 of a MILE, MEANS IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS OVER YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THE CONCRETE WALL!!!!!!! This one really gets me.  I drive 75 everyday and at Joslyn rd it goes from 4 lanes to 3, and seeing as how I pass the same turds everyday on my way to and from work, I know that they are well aware that this lane ends. And on the off chance that there are some out of towners on 75 during rush hour, the D-O-T has provided you with a bright yellow sign that says LANE ENDS 3/4 OF A MILE.  That's your clue to USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL AND GET OVER.  But noooo, inevitably there are at least ten cars that are either oblivious to this, or the assholes that think they can race all the way to the end of the lane and then cut someone off.  REALLY?!?!? Do you think you're going to get home any quicker by passing those last 5 cars????????????? Since most of the assholes appear to be pompous business men in their BMW's, I have to assume that they're racing home to catch their desperate house wives sleeping with someone else.  I would be banging someone else if I was married to such a miserable dick too!

The Tea Party/ Politicians in General: No I'm not talking about plastic cups, with invisible tea that you drank when you were 5.  I'm referring to these conservative extremists that are causing trouble everywhere.  I'm all about expressing your beliefs, and frankly I don't consider myself liberal or conservative, because I think it's going to take  bipartisan action to solve our problems.  So, the bitch that I have with these buffoons isn't what they stand for, because quite frankly I couldn't figure out exactly what that is.  The problem is that they have taken everything so far right that they just sound allllll wrong.  I scoured their website and all I could find was a bunch of articles bashing everything Obama does, and a very vague mission statement.   Don't sit here and criticize when you have provided no alternative solutions.  The answer isn't right or left or who's wrong or who is right.  If every one would quit fucking worrying about who is slipping money in their back pocket and just do what it best for our country, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.  Quite frankly, no ONE person can be blamed, it took us a long time to get into this mess, and it's going to take us even longer to get out.  Quit playing the blame game, this isn't the playground.
I did find this little gem on their website though:
Stop Them Welfare Moms


Gun Rights by frogfucker
Them welfare socialist mom race-baiting bitches should get off aid. My family supported me through my Down Syndrome without rezorting to welfare. The tea baggers support what I think is right. I hate Keith Olberman. MSNBC is a bunch of commanists. Gun rights forever!

Very classy and well written.  The fact of the matter is, most of us will fall on hard times at some point or another.  If you have family that can help you, great, not all of us do.  If you can honestly say that you wouldn't accept assitance when you're in need then, more power to you, but I have a feeling those people are few and far between.  So everyone shut your suck hole about welfare, yes it needs reform, but you never know when you might need it.

Rich Rod: Ok ok... I know that football season has been over for a while now.... but I'm still bitter that this fuck was able to flush the greatest college football program in the country straight down the shitter in a matter of two seasons. Way to get a quarter back that weighs 130 lbs soaking wet, and tell him to go out and run the ball.... that's like entering your Geo metro in a demolition derby. Oh and the defense....wait... there isn't one... moving on..... Quite honestly I can't think of anyone that would disagree with me in saying that this guy should be burned at the stake... ok maybe that's harsh... a public stoning would suffice.  In case there are any Bitch Rod supporters out there, here are some stats for you.......

Really I don't think I need to go any further, but in case you still aren't convinced that this guy is a top notch dumb fuck... here are some brilliant quotes:

· "We're not good enough to play poorly and win," Rodriguez said. "We're not right now. Maybe in the future we will be."


--Sep 14, 2008 MLive.com
              
               *Way to strive for mediocrity! Do you bang your wife when you're half asleep and then when she doesn't go, assure her that one day you'll be good enough to make her cum in your sleep? *

“If it was a lack of effort, I'd be really mad," Rodriguez said. "But I assure you, I will NEVER stand in front of you after a loss and not be mad. I'm very disappointed in how we played. It starts with the coaching… “


--Oct 7, 2008 Joliet Herald News

              *Well.... at least you know YOU SUCK!*

"If there was a hole to crawl into, a bunch of us, including myself, would want to crawl in that hole," Rodriguez said.


--Sep 27, 2008 ESPN

              *If by hole you mean, the unemployment line, then yes, please, crawl in.*


LeBron James: Given my persistent rants on Facebook, you had to have seen this one coming. I have so many issues with the self proclaimed "King" and the circus surrounding his free agency, that quite frankly I don't even know where to begin.  In fact, it made me so angry that I got into a fight with Josh at a restaurant for merely mentioning it.  I can feel my body temperature rising as I type.  First of, you named yourself the "King" putting you in same category as Elvis, Michael Jackson, and in the world of sports, Michael Jordan.  First of all LEBRON, you've been in the league 7 years, Michael Jordan- 17 years.  You've got the fucking balls to compare yourself to someone that has 10 years on you?  Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself there guy????? Secondly, I've never had the displeasure of witnessing someone with a bigger sense of self importance than you.  Who told you that anyone outside of Cleveland, or the other desperate teams that tried making an offer, GAVE A FLYING FUCK WHERE YOU SIGNED?!?!? To be honest, if Joe D even mentioned bringing you to Detroit, I would have left a flaming bag of poo on his door step with your name on it. If I owned a team, I wouldn't pay you two fucking nickels to play for me.  No championship is worth dealing with a whiny, arrogant, choke artist such as yourself.  You talk such a big game, but you've yet to come through.  You deserved every word of that scathing letter that Dan Gilbert wrote.  I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame, because you shot your career straight in the ass.  You played this up so much, and then you bitched out.  You went somewhere that you think will guarantee you a championship.  You would have gotten more respect staying with the Cavs and losing AGAIN, then you will if you win with The Heat.  The fact of the matter is, you know you're not a Kobe or Jordan that can carry a team.  You need back up.  I'd also like to give a big fuck you out to all of the media that help perpetuate this dog a pony show.  GET A LIFE FOLKS!!! They are still talking about this shit!  I listen to 97.1 the ticket on my way home and inevitably some fuck will call in and say something along the lines of "Hey Mike and Terry, love your show, I'd like to weigh in on the LeBron situation...."  I'D LIKE YOU TO DRIVE STRAIGHT OFF A DAMN CLIFF!!!!!!  We have oil spewing into our ocean, the economy is still shit, we're fighting two wars, and yet, every TV and radio station was Lebron this and Lebron that............ and we wonder why our country is going to hell in a hand basket.  The President even found it necessary to chip in his two cents on the situation......if you think LeBron is that great, why don't you ask him if he can build a cap for that oil well?!?!? Ok I think I have to stop now....A) it's late and B) I'm mumbling obscenities to myself, which is a sure sign that I'm in a dangerous state of anger.
 
Stay classy cyber space!

WHAT I LEARNED IN MEXICO....

I'm back folks!!! Sorry for my month long hiatus, I know you're all beside yourselves... enough narcissism... I was feeling very uninspired and I have been and still am absolutely drowning at work, but all boo hooing aside.  I would like to impart unto you some very valuable lessons that I learned on my venture to and from the 3rd world.

1. Julian wearing capri's is ok..... everywhere but in America. 
On occasion Julian rocks a pair of girls capri's when he dresses himself at his mom's.  I always feel slightly embarrassed for him, but I think it's hilarious at the same time.  However, I learned that we just have a fashion forward 4 year old on our hands.  I saw a man of nearly every nationality I can think of sporting these ridiculous manpri's.  I love capri's as much as the next GIRL.  Notice I said GIRL.  NOT MAN!  I think these look absolutely horrendous... maybe it's not so much the capri's as it was the neck scarfs that they usually paired them with.  Who knows... but as far as I'm concerned America can stay behind the fashion scene on this one. If I see anyone wearing them in the states I will personally make a scene while I revoke their WRIF man card in front of all the poor civilians that are being subjected to this fashion travesty.

2. Paying 2 pesos for a bathroom does NOT mean it will include toilet paper or a sink.
Men may want to look away, only the ladies can appreciate this one.  So we took a trek to Chichen Itza... and when I say trek I mean a 3 hour ride there and back.  The trip there went fine, we made a few pit stops along the way at shops and because the stupid Brits had to pee every 25 miles.  We toured the ruins in the sweltering heat for about 2 hours and then loaded back up into the van for the ride home.  On the way home we stopped for lunch, a swim in a cenote, and a tour of an old Spanish city. Lunch was fabulous, and also the subject of the next lesson.  Anyway... my terror struck at the Cenote.  I was the most excited about this part of the trip so I ran through the swarm of barefoot children begging for food to the dressing room threw my swimsuit on and headed down to climb into the cenote, notice I said climb into, it was quite treacherous.  I got in as far as I could without killing myself on the dagger like rocks and then decided to climb back out. I went into the dressing room and started changing my clothes, and to my utter dismay I noticed that little bitch mother nature had struck, in a bad way.  So I left my swimsuit bottoms on and ran out to report the damage to Josh as if he was going to have a solution right?!?! Well as luck would have it he did.  He gave me his dry swim trunks to throw on.  So I did.  I was scoping out the crowd to see if I could find an English speaking woman.  I spotted a lady sitting alone on a swing, so I timidly approached her as if I was the only woman in the world that this had happened to.  As soon as I muttered one word in English she started blurting NO SPEAK ENGLISH GIRL. EPIC FAIL.  Back to the drawing board. I went back to the van to wait for some of the other girls in our tour group.  When they got back I asked them and they all looked at me like I was a freak of nature and said no and walked away.  BITCHES.  I wanted to tell the aforementioned swarm of starving children that they were hiding steaks in their purses and watch them get mobbed, but I had already pissed mother nature off, and I didn't want the karma train to run me over too.  So I just got in the van and sat there.  Quite honestly I just wanted to cry, but I refrained.  So I asked our tour guide Jose, what the odds were of us hitting a drug store on our way home.  As luck would have it, there was one in this little town that we were headed to next. AMEN! Everyone was back to the van and ready to go except of course the dip shit Brits who couldn't tell time if the queen mother's life depended on it. We departed upon their return, well after I fed the kids every last snack I had in my bag aside from a beef jerky stick that Josh demanded I save for him. Luckily the town was only about 10 minutes away, I spotted the sign that said Pharmacia right away.  We booked it as soon as the van stopped.  I walk in and I see a small display of the recognizable blue and yellow boxes... ahhh tampax... there is a God! So I grabbed a box, which was completely caked in dust and approached the cash register, they were only 40 pesos (about $3.50) but at that point I probably would have paid 50 US dollars for them.  I paid the cashier and asked "Donde esta el banos?" She looked at me like I had just spoke Greek, but I was sure I said it right! So I just kept repeating banos until she got it.  She pointed down the road to the left and said dos blocks.  We took off down the road and came to this outdoor food court area and I saw a sign that said "Banos" When I got back there the "banos" looked like a janitor's closet with a lady collecting money out in front.  She said 2 pesos, all I had was $1, so I handed it to her and she rolled her eyes and handed me a handful of coins that were probably worth 2 pennies each. I headed around the corner to find a series of short cement walls with old table cloths hung in front of them.  I tried the first one... occupied by a 150 year old woman with some severe gastrointestinal problems. Onto the second stall, with a Santa Claus table cloth... empty.  I went in, did what I had to do, and then reached for TP....... and nothing.........not a shred.  Hmmm... ok.... my thoughts immediately shifted from myself to the lady in the first stall... what is she.... ummm nevermind.  Maybe that's why they use table cloths for doors.... grosssssss. Moving along.......So I air dried for a few moments and headed out, only to find two toothless Mexican guys smiling and waiting for the Merry Christmas stall... yikes.  I turned the corner where the sink would go in a NORMAL bathroom and all I saw was a bucket with dirty water and mop in it. I'll pass on the ecoli... thanks.  I suppose there are 2 lessons to be learned here... A) never venture into the jungle without your feminine hygiene kit and B) Don't assume that because you paid to use a toilet, that it comes with extra perks like toilet paper and a sink.

3. When they say something is "caliente" in Mexico... they aren't fucking around.
We stopped at a buffet for lunch on the way home from the ruins.  It was a huge place out in the middle of nowhere, and the food was great.  I got to the end of the buffet line where they had the toppings for the tacos and I see a bowl of chopped green peppers of some sort with a sign that says "caliente".... (which means hot in case there are any slow ones out there) Hot??? SIGN ME UP! I love spicy food!  So I get a big heaping spoonful and plop it on my taco. Josh gets a little tiny bit and we head back to the table.  I tried the other things on my plate first... thinking I was saving the best for last. Josh took a bite of his and said "oh wow that is REALLY hot" I looked at him with doubting eyes and thought to myself.... pussy..... So I picked my taco up and took a big bite.  At first nothing.... then after about 10 seconds I experienced a burn like I've never felt in my life!!!! It was like I had just chugged a gallon of molten lava.  I felt my face go flush and I became light headed.  I started grabbing any form of starch I could find and shoving it into my suck hole, because of course they hadn't brought our drinks yet.  I could feel the laughing eyes of the all the employees around me, and I could almost hear them thinking "Stupid American Girl" One waiter couldn't help but comment, he walked over and said and I quote "What matter lady, too hot?" I just nodded and snarled at him, he said he would go get our drinks.  It was almost as if they hold off on getting you your drinks until you desensitize all your taste buds on their ridiculously hot mystery sauce. Anyway... lesson learned... mild means medium, medium means hot, and Hot means you'll need a fire extinguisher, an artic glacier, and the biggest bottle of tums you can find.


I have a few more that I want to add but I'm spent... so we'll call this the main course, dessert to follow.

Stay classy cyber space!

Fantastic Finds... Act now!

This one is dedicated to all you avid online shoppers! I found some real treasures, but you better act now these finds won't last long!

MMMM I'm salivating now thinking about all of the scrumptious creations that I could make with this dried out lump of powdered government cheese.  I wonder if it comes with the bag and memory card too. Someone better jump on this before I do!

Next up on the auction block... a giraffe shaped cheeto (with AMAZING detail) Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to eat a Giraffe!!! I didn't realize there was such a large demand for aftermarket processed cheese snacks!

 
 
 
 
 

 

Few things compare to the thrill of farts in a bottle!! As if pre-pubescent middle schoolers that haven't worked deodorant into their daily routine yet, don't smell bad enough as it is, lets give them shit in a bottle!! Great for birthday parties, and bar mitzvahs. Act now, and the seller will throw in a free cell phone antenna booster, that's a deal you just can't pass up!

Don't miss out on this possessed doll for the Chuckie fan in your family! Oh how I wish they would post the sellers pictures.  I'm sure this one is a real gem!

Continuation...

And now for our big ticket item of the day.....

USED BREAST IMPLANTS!!! Nothing says I love you better than buying your lady love used breast implants!  WTF?!?!?!? "Honey not only are your tits not good enough, but I'm too cheap to buy you new ones." Then this fuck goes on to try and pitch the sale by saying how hot his girlfriend was when she had them.  JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!! This sick bastard probably cut them out of her chest before he ran her through the mulcher and fertilized his lawn with her shreds.  Does he honestly think that this little authenticity card makes selling something like this legitimate?!?!?   Congratulations, shit bag, you and you alone are responsible for the decay of American society.

Rest of the ad....

And by popular demand... another edition of...

*Ode to Troop 841*

*The ghosts of Camp O Fairwinds* I remember two fateful trips to camp in which we made contact with the other side.  I believe it was a our first camping trip that I wrote about in my last post, that we had a ghost haunting a bath room stall.  The door would mysteriously swing back and forth making a piercing squeal.  Of course, the only logical reasoning for this phenomena was a ghost with diarrhea.  It didn't have anything to do with the fact that we were staying in a cabin that was 80 years old with rickety hinges on the doors... nope that would be too easy.  If we were really resourceful instead of holding a seance we would have just left him some Imodium on the sink and called it good.  On another trip, when we were a little older, a ghost (possibly the same gastrointestinally challenged one from the first cabin) made an ominous carving in the wall.... I believe it read "get out".... apparently he needs to poop in peace. This time our paranormal friend caused chaos of epic proportions.  Not only we were sure that we were going to be slaughtered and later the subject of a lifetime movie, but even worse.... if we survived.... OUR TRIP TO GEORGIA WOULD BE CANCELLED!!!! Our leaders were convinced that one of us girls were the guilty party (They weren't in the know about the ghosts), and while we were taken into the interrogation room one by one, we were told that we would owe the camp thousands of dollars to fix a piece of wood about 3in X 5 in, thus costing us our trip to the birth place of girl scouts, and we bought it.  By the end of the day we were all crying while making grilled cheeses on our home made coffee can bunson burners. Kerry Daly later confessed to the carving (although I'm sure it was the spirits acting through her) and if I recall we were out about $10.00 to fix the carving.

Just for you Kimmay...:)

Stay classy cyber space!

Hodge Podge

First of all... I have no idea why I am flippin up at 8:00 am on a Sunday when I didn't go to bed until 2:30...unsolved mystery.  Anyways... we went out to the bar last night to celebrate school being out which was a great time.  Hold onto your seats I'm about to drop a bomb... I danced... and I wasn't wrecked beyond repair.  Not only did I dance... I danced on a bar stool where the whole bar could see me. GASP!  I don't know whats going on... I guess I've just finally quit giving a F$%* all together.


So the bar can be a hit or miss experience for me, I have to be in the mood for it.  But it always if nothing else, proves to be a paradise for people watching.  Below I have provided you with some of my finds.  I will say that there were other moments I would have liked to have captured more but I wasn't quick enough with my camera... I'm going to have to invest in one of those paparazzi cameras that flash 100 times a second.  Also in this edition, my first request! Thanks to Kimmay, I will be posting my Ode to Girl Scouts.  Kim, Since I'm quite sure our mother's weren't bat shit crazy when we were in Girl Scouts, I will publish a little memoir dedicated to Troop 841.  Not everyone will be able to appreciate this one equally but I have to show some love to my fellow Holy Rollers (Holy Rosary alumni for those of you not in the know).


Ok back to business... I like to call this one the Ass buffet.

I tried to get Bill to walk over and motor boat the 2 turkeys but he wouldn't go for it!
















I like to call this photo "It's my birthday buy me a fucking clue!"

Unfortunately I didn't do a very good job of capturing the lemon muffin top in this one.  However, it gives me a good reason to discuss the dreaded muffin top.  I have handles, lets get that out of the way right now.  I however can manage to buy pants that that don't make my sides look like the levee just broke!  Come on chick you are not that big, if your friend with the Cyndi Lauper hair can manage to keep hers semi under control, you can too!!  Just hike your pants up so that they aren't resting an inch above your cooter and you can go from lemon muffin top to lemon meringue pie!


Basically no one is safe here, so I'd like to rip on a picture of myself for shits and gigs.

Yes that's me, doing the aforementioned "dancing", if that's what you want to call it.  It was more like a grand mal seizure I'm sure, but that's not why I'm posting this pic.  I would like to draw your attention to the item circled in red that I like to call Bus Driver Arm... or BD Arm for short.  WTF?!?!?!? Why can't I get rid of this thing?!?!  Even when I wasn't a chubbo, I still had this extra flap of skin on my arm, it's overly friendly and likes to wave at everyone it sees.  I work out about 3 times a week, sometimes more, and I use my weights more than anything else, and I just can't seem to eradicate the bus driver arm. Any suggestions are much appreciated.


Switching Gears....




ODE TO TROOP 841
* Our first camping trip* Ahh seems like it was just yesterday that 14 or 15 of us ventured off to Camp O Fairwinds for our first taste of life in the wilderness.  We were really roughing it, mattresses on the floor, sleeping bags, eating off of green melmac dishes. I remember the first night after we had all calmed down, Mrs. Dyer had us settled in and working on arts and crafts.  Leave it to my mother to ruin that..... She slyly pulled Sarah, Leah, and I into the the kitchen, handed us each a bag of marshmallows and told us to go for it.  Sarah and Leah were a little puzzled but I knew what was going on because my family had been doing this shit since I came out of the womb.  So with out hesitation we led the charge into the main room and launched an attack that I'm quite certain gave poor Mrs. Dyer a mild stroke. The other thing that stands out in my mind about this trip was someone dropping Kristen Bonk's pajamas in the toilet, and her crying hysterically for hours about it... and someone hiding Liz's stuffed animal which subsequently caused her to hyperventilate.
*The first time I burped in front of Mrs. Dyer* Well as some of you may know, I have some gastrointestinal "issues" if you will.  Thanks to these "issues" when I burp it sounds like Sasquatch's mating call and sometimes a velociraptor.  If you haven't heard it, I can't really create the experience for you, its something that has to be heard to be believed.  Anyway... we were at camp again and we were working on some craft, boondagle key chains or sit upons or one of those damn things that you ONLY make at girl scout camp.  I was pretty enthralled in whatever I was making and not really paying attention to my surroundings and I opened my mouth and let out a bellow that I'm sure was heard the next cabin over.  A couple of the girls giggled, but they were all aware of my belching abilities, so it wasn't a shocker to any of them.  I said excuse me and went on tinkering with my prized art project. That was until I heard MONICA RENEE PARMER! and to the surprise of my ears, it wasn't my mother's voice that had just whipped out not 2 but 3 names, which as a child is always terrifying.  I hesitantly looked up from my craft and Mrs. Dyer was staring back at me with fire in her eyes.  I didn't even know what to say....I'd never heard her speak so loudly before.  I just stared back at her, and I think I finally muttered something along the lines of "sorry I have gas"  but I'm not for sure, I was too consumed by fear to remember.
*The trip to Timbers* As I recall this entire trip was a shit show, but there was one event that topped all the others.  We went to visit a camp in Traverse City called Timbers. On saturday afternoon we went into town to sight see, and attend 4 o'clock mass. Right before church we stopped at the beach.  It was too chilly to swim, but we walked in the water and picked up sea shells and the like.  On this little excursion to the Timbers, my mom made me pack a particularly hideous pair of tennis shoes that were given to me by God knows who.  They were Ryka high tops with a Velcro strap at the top, real primo shoes.  I hated these things but my mom didn't want me to get my "good tennis shoes" dirty.  So I reluctantly wore these abombminations the whole trip.  However, when it was time to leave the beach, I only had one of these fine pieces of footwear.  We searched high and low, near and far. Since I knew no one in their right mind would steal one of these disgusting things, I had to draw the conclusion that it had been washed out to sea or a seagull ate it.  Sooo....you would think that since I only had one shoe, that might have gotten me out of going to church.... WRONG-O.  Being the resourceful Girl Scouts that we were, we devised a plan.  I would hobble and use my mom as a crutch and make it look like I had been hurt and that's why I only have one heineous looking shoe on.  We later found out that Stephanie had buried my other shoe in the sand, good looking out!


I could be up for days posting these stories but I have to do something semi productive today.  That's all for now, hope you enjoyed Kimmay!


Stay classy cyber space!

Random photos brought to you via my crappy blackberry camera!

Tonight, Josh Julian and I went cruising down Woodward.  The weather was perfect, and surprisingly there were lots of cars out for it being this early in the year.  The highlight of my night besides smoking the tires off the TA, were these tender little morsels below. 

Exhibit A:

If you're really in a quandary about what to get mom for mother's day this year, have no fear, I've got your solution!  For the bargain price of $20 you can get your Mom washed 7 times!!!! Nothing says I love you like a good scrub and wax job.  It's even soft cloth towel dry for her pleasure.  I'm also told they will send her out with a free pine scented air freshener around her neck for no extra charge! That way your mom can smell like a freshly cut Christmas tree for weeks to come! Ok so maybe I let my imagination run with this one... buuuut... honestly what mother wants car washes for mothers day?!?! Dear Mom, Thank you for wiping my ass, cleaning up my puke, feeding me, helping with my home work, cleaning the skid marks out of my underwear, putting up with my obnoxious friends, understanding the first time I came home drunk and yacked in your flower bed, have a free car wash for your troubles! GET REAL TURDS! If any one of you get your mom this for mother's day you better start searching for an adoptive family because she will never forgive you, and rightfully so!

Exhibit B:

 If you're looking for the true one stop shop experience look no further than the dairy dream folks! You can get a thermal massage while your copies are being made, and then pick up a sack of coney's for the family on your way out.  However, I do have to caution you against eating the coney's and then getting the massage.  We all know what happens when we eat coney's, and you might get just a little too relaxed while you're getting that massage.  You wouldn't want to leave a stain on that nice white towel they cover your butt with now would you???

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not getting a massage at the same place I can also buy processed meat in a tube... but hey that's just me!

 And now for my favorite find of the evening.........

Exhibit C:

The slightly pregnant resale clothing shop... Hmmm... I had to chew on this one for a while.  Slightly pregnant aye??? Is this for people who just couldn't get it out in time, and the sperm hasn't quite made it to the egg yet???  It will get there eventually but it just hasn't found the Holy Grail ? Or is it for people that went to get plan B after a long night of drinking and they aren't sure if it's worked yet?  Might want to visit this place just in case the patented morning after pill is an epic failure.
Or is it for those unfortunate people that look pregnant but really aren't? You all know the ones I'm talking about... you see them and immediately wonder if they are pregnant or if they just enjoy the freedom of an elastic waistband.  None of these theories really worked for me so I had to draw the conclusion that the owner of this store is just A COMPLETE AND TOTAL KNOB JOB!!!! Give me an f-in break!!!! You cannot be slightly pregnant.  EITHER YOUR GARDEN HAS BEEN FERTILIZED OR IT HASN'T! The owner of this store is quite obviously a man, similar to Steve Carrell's character in the 40 year old virgin I would presume.  Someone take this tard ass to the free clinic and get him a brochure PUUUHLEASE!

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE OWNER OF SLIGHTLY PREGNANT YOU'VE JUST BEEN NAMED MORON OF THE MILLENNIUM!

That's all I've got for tonight.  Tomorrow is soccer practice and if were lucky the gem from my first post will be sporting something absolutely atrocious for me to tear apart.

Sweet Dreams...

Stay classy cyber space!

Celebrity Deathmatch... Monica Style... Installment numero uno

So this morning, as I was getting ready for work.... I was pondering a thought...If I could manage to corral a handful of the world’s biggest idiots and lock them in an abandoned warehouse for the rest of their days, who would I choose, why, and who would be the last one standing. Before I go any further, I know you're probably wondering who thinks about this stuff at 6 am?!?! But if you'll learn one thing from reading this blog, it's that when I'm all alone with my thoughts, my mind tends to wander into the realm of WTF?!?! Anyways… Here is the list I compiled. First, I will tell you who I chose and why I’d like to eradicate them from civilized life as we know it, and then I will give you a breakdown of who I think would be the last man standing.




Ready…… Set………. Go!



1. Sidney Crosby and Pierre McGuire- Why did I put these two as a pair you ask?!?! Well my friends, no one wants to complete the unpleasant task of removing Pierre’s little bulbous head from Sidney Crosby’s pampered ASS! So I guess they have no choice but to go together.

We’ll start with the Reigning Princess of the Puck, The Pride and Joy of Pittsburgh, The Biggest Vagine in the NHL… The one, the only (thank god) SIIIIDNEY CROOOOSBY!

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start or end with this piece of work. I’ve never seen a hockey player take more dives on the ice than this tool. Hockey is a sport for real men, with fur on their peaches; and let’s face it, not even Chris Columbus would be able to find Crosby’s nuts! However, my biggest problem with Crosby isn’t his horrible acting skills when he’s flailing about on the ice pretending to be hurt…It’s that he shows up when it’s convenient, when he can savor the glory. This isn’t a guy that is going to go out and sweat blood, tears, and spit out a few teeth if necessary, unless it’s in that key moment that will give the entire NHL another reason to attach their lips to his ass.

Now onto that little pip squeak Pierre…..My distain for Pierre can be summed up briefly, his comments are biased, the glare of his queue ball head is blinding, the mere sound of his voice makes me want to punch him right in the suck hole, plus he is Sydney Crosby’s number one fan, which by default makes him a Douche Bag (with a capital DB) in my book.

2. Speidi- Yes that’s right another pair… but let’s face it, these two have morphed together and formed a species all their own, so why bother talking about one without the other? I’m also pretty sure they share one half of one brain (for you math majors out there, that’s a quarter of a brain for each of them) I would liken their combined IQ to that of a squirrel that’s been run over by a semi, and then feasted on by vultures as it lay on the side of the road. Anyway… Spencer, we’ll start with you since you seem to be the ring leader, if you will. I know this has been done before, but I just can’t get over his damn flesh colored beard!!!!!! I mean seriously how do you manage to have hair that is exactly the same color as your flesh, and more importantly, because it is flesh colored, why bother with it?!?!?!?!? No one can tell it’s there unless it’s particularly shaggy and nasty so shave the damn thing, or at least put some black stripes in it or something that says “hey there, this is facial hair not skin.” Aside from his hideous physical appearance, he’s a Grade A fuck stick. I mean seriously he’s got to be one of the biggest assholes on the planet. They say he acts that way for the cameras, even so, no self respecting man would treat their wife and her family that way for any sum of money. Moving along… Heidi, Heidi, Heidi……I’m not really sure where her train derailed but she is certainly a train wreck. She looked good after her first plastic surgery, I will give her that. But then she stepped over the edge. Now she looks like a constipated drag queen. Here’s a new flash for you: The world can only stay enamored with people that are famous for absolutely no reason for so long…so… your gravy train will run out, right around the same time when all that plastic in your body starts to melt. Have fun maintaining that body with your paychecks from Celebrity Rehab.

3. George W. Bush- I know for a fact that this one will strike a nerve with some of the people reading this, so I won’t get into the multitude of issues I have with his political career. I will simply let George Speak for himself on this matter.
"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend." --George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." --George W. Bush, on liquidity in the markets, Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments." --George W. Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008


Nuff Said….

4. Celine Dion- FOR GOD’S SAKE WILL YOU RETIRE?!?!?!? Your music was never good to begin with, and even if it were, any shred of talent would be completely overshadowed by your larger than life ego. Contrary to what you might believe Celine, you are NOT the greatest singer in the world. I’d rather listen to a William Hung CD on repeat for the rest of my god forsaken life than sit through one of your concerts, at least William Hung knows he sucks! Moving right along….

5. Since were on the topic of washed up has beens that need to retire…BRETT FAVRE comes to mind! For the love of all that is holy……leave……..the………NFL……. FOR GOOD! We are all sick and tired of your ridiculous hem hawing over retirement. You should have taken what dignity you had left and retired 5 years ago. Yes, you had a good season last year, but you ended it the same way you ended your first season in the NFL, by being a choke artist. The NFL will not crumble because The Great Brett Favre isn’t a part of it. I’m sure you can get a commentating job alongside a respectable retired player, like Steve Young for instance. (Hi Steeeevie ;))



Ok I think that’s a good mix…. LET THE BATTLE ROYALE BEGIN!!!

So the first one gone would most definitely be Celine Dion. There are no mirrors or soundboards in my warehouse, so she wouldn’t be able to look at herself, and without a mixing board she would have to hear what her voice really sounds like, which would certainly send her into cardiac arrest.


Next to go would have to be Crosby due to a combination of the following factors:

- His daddy Mario Lemieux wouldn’t be there to shake his little weenie for him after he pees.

- Separation anxiety due to being away from Malkin for too long.

- Overwhelming fear that Ovechkin might become the NHL’s new poster child.

And we all know if Crosby is gone…. Pierre is gone too… He would just off himself because his one true love is dead… a real Romeo and Juliet saga.


So that leaves Speidi, Favre, and Bush….

In this story, it’s kill or be killed and since Favre can’t make up his damn mind about anything… my guess is, he gets taken out by Speidi in the 4th round.

Speidi vs. Dubbya

Chances are that “Dubbya” hasn’t even realized he isn’t in Texas anymore, and Speidi would exploit that just like they do everything else.

So there you have it… Speidi emerges victorious.


The moral of this story: If two athletes, a sports commentator, a singer, and a former president, can be overthrown by the likes of the degenerate species affectionately referred to as Speidi…. We’re all fucked!


Happy Trails…..


Stay classy cyber space!

My First Bloooog

I started this blog in response to a handful of people that are particularly amused by my facebook statuses (mostly my family who can appreciate my warped sense of humor). I don't know how much I will be able to post on here, but I'm sure that I will have plenty of inspiration from the idiots that I run across on a daily basis. If you find anything particularly hilarious, disgusting, moronic, or anything else you'd like to hear me rant about... send it my way and I'll see what I can do.

**Disclaimer**

If you don't enjoy poking fun at people and yourself from time to time don't read on. I have no filter between my brain and mouth, so if I think it, I write it. Some may find this to be a bit cruel, but it's all in good fun and I would pray that someone would have the nerve to say these things to me if I were in a similar situation.

The inspiration for my first blog comes to you compliments of a photo posted by Lindsey on Facebook. Let me preface this entry by stating that I feel kind of bad for ripping on this woman because we all know I have some junk in my trunk.... and I am in no way denying that or knocking women with a little meat on their bones, however, with that being said, it's all in what you do with what you've got. The other reason I don't feel bad for ripping on this woman is because she has spawned 3 of the whiniest, most diva-esque children in the world (two of them being of the male species).

First, I'll give you a little background on the woman in this photo. She is one of the parents in Julian's soccer league, she has triplets that are all in Julian's group. By the end of the first practice all 3 of her lovely children were in tears and I'm pretty sure her and especially her particularly feminine husband were on the verge of tears themselves. Her daughter was donning pink shin guards and metallic pink soccer shoes... she looked like she was straight out of flash dance. I think that's enough info for you to get the picture... now without further adieu... the photo!

Are you kidding me lady?!?! Did Ray Charles pick that outfit out for you?!?!

1. Spandex should be reserved for certain things such as working out, bike rides, and 80's dress up parties. It's not the first thing I would pull out of my closet to wear to my kids soccer game. You're lucky you're kids are only 4 and they don't understand what an abomination this is or they'd most certainly disown you, grow up, go on Oprah and blame all their problems on you!

2. I give you props for having triplets, but honey, you aren't Kate Gosselin and you didn't get free plastic surgery.

3. If you have to wear an extra shirt under a shirt just to stop your tummy from hanging out... It's time to retire the shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And lastly.....

4. I can empathize with the cottage cheese thighs and butt... I have my fair share... but if your pants are so tight that you can tell its large curd cottage cheese as opposed to small curd.... we've got a problem!

That's all for now....

Stay classy cyber space!