Fantastic Finds... Act now!

This one is dedicated to all you avid online shoppers! I found some real treasures, but you better act now these finds won't last long!

MMMM I'm salivating now thinking about all of the scrumptious creations that I could make with this dried out lump of powdered government cheese.  I wonder if it comes with the bag and memory card too. Someone better jump on this before I do!

Next up on the auction block... a giraffe shaped cheeto (with AMAZING detail) Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to eat a Giraffe!!! I didn't realize there was such a large demand for aftermarket processed cheese snacks!

 
 
 
 
 

 

Few things compare to the thrill of farts in a bottle!! As if pre-pubescent middle schoolers that haven't worked deodorant into their daily routine yet, don't smell bad enough as it is, lets give them shit in a bottle!! Great for birthday parties, and bar mitzvahs. Act now, and the seller will throw in a free cell phone antenna booster, that's a deal you just can't pass up!

Don't miss out on this possessed doll for the Chuckie fan in your family! Oh how I wish they would post the sellers pictures.  I'm sure this one is a real gem!

Continuation...

And now for our big ticket item of the day.....

USED BREAST IMPLANTS!!! Nothing says I love you better than buying your lady love used breast implants!  WTF?!?!?!? "Honey not only are your tits not good enough, but I'm too cheap to buy you new ones." Then this fuck goes on to try and pitch the sale by saying how hot his girlfriend was when she had them.  JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!! This sick bastard probably cut them out of her chest before he ran her through the mulcher and fertilized his lawn with her shreds.  Does he honestly think that this little authenticity card makes selling something like this legitimate?!?!?   Congratulations, shit bag, you and you alone are responsible for the decay of American society.

Rest of the ad....

And by popular demand... another edition of...

*Ode to Troop 841*

*The ghosts of Camp O Fairwinds* I remember two fateful trips to camp in which we made contact with the other side.  I believe it was a our first camping trip that I wrote about in my last post, that we had a ghost haunting a bath room stall.  The door would mysteriously swing back and forth making a piercing squeal.  Of course, the only logical reasoning for this phenomena was a ghost with diarrhea.  It didn't have anything to do with the fact that we were staying in a cabin that was 80 years old with rickety hinges on the doors... nope that would be too easy.  If we were really resourceful instead of holding a seance we would have just left him some Imodium on the sink and called it good.  On another trip, when we were a little older, a ghost (possibly the same gastrointestinally challenged one from the first cabin) made an ominous carving in the wall.... I believe it read "get out".... apparently he needs to poop in peace. This time our paranormal friend caused chaos of epic proportions.  Not only we were sure that we were going to be slaughtered and later the subject of a lifetime movie, but even worse.... if we survived.... OUR TRIP TO GEORGIA WOULD BE CANCELLED!!!! Our leaders were convinced that one of us girls were the guilty party (They weren't in the know about the ghosts), and while we were taken into the interrogation room one by one, we were told that we would owe the camp thousands of dollars to fix a piece of wood about 3in X 5 in, thus costing us our trip to the birth place of girl scouts, and we bought it.  By the end of the day we were all crying while making grilled cheeses on our home made coffee can bunson burners. Kerry Daly later confessed to the carving (although I'm sure it was the spirits acting through her) and if I recall we were out about $10.00 to fix the carving.

Just for you Kimmay...:)

Stay classy cyber space!

Hodge Podge

First of all... I have no idea why I am flippin up at 8:00 am on a Sunday when I didn't go to bed until 2:30...unsolved mystery.  Anyways... we went out to the bar last night to celebrate school being out which was a great time.  Hold onto your seats I'm about to drop a bomb... I danced... and I wasn't wrecked beyond repair.  Not only did I dance... I danced on a bar stool where the whole bar could see me. GASP!  I don't know whats going on... I guess I've just finally quit giving a F$%* all together.


So the bar can be a hit or miss experience for me, I have to be in the mood for it.  But it always if nothing else, proves to be a paradise for people watching.  Below I have provided you with some of my finds.  I will say that there were other moments I would have liked to have captured more but I wasn't quick enough with my camera... I'm going to have to invest in one of those paparazzi cameras that flash 100 times a second.  Also in this edition, my first request! Thanks to Kimmay, I will be posting my Ode to Girl Scouts.  Kim, Since I'm quite sure our mother's weren't bat shit crazy when we were in Girl Scouts, I will publish a little memoir dedicated to Troop 841.  Not everyone will be able to appreciate this one equally but I have to show some love to my fellow Holy Rollers (Holy Rosary alumni for those of you not in the know).


Ok back to business... I like to call this one the Ass buffet.

I tried to get Bill to walk over and motor boat the 2 turkeys but he wouldn't go for it!
















I like to call this photo "It's my birthday buy me a fucking clue!"

Unfortunately I didn't do a very good job of capturing the lemon muffin top in this one.  However, it gives me a good reason to discuss the dreaded muffin top.  I have handles, lets get that out of the way right now.  I however can manage to buy pants that that don't make my sides look like the levee just broke!  Come on chick you are not that big, if your friend with the Cyndi Lauper hair can manage to keep hers semi under control, you can too!!  Just hike your pants up so that they aren't resting an inch above your cooter and you can go from lemon muffin top to lemon meringue pie!


Basically no one is safe here, so I'd like to rip on a picture of myself for shits and gigs.

Yes that's me, doing the aforementioned "dancing", if that's what you want to call it.  It was more like a grand mal seizure I'm sure, but that's not why I'm posting this pic.  I would like to draw your attention to the item circled in red that I like to call Bus Driver Arm... or BD Arm for short.  WTF?!?!?!? Why can't I get rid of this thing?!?!  Even when I wasn't a chubbo, I still had this extra flap of skin on my arm, it's overly friendly and likes to wave at everyone it sees.  I work out about 3 times a week, sometimes more, and I use my weights more than anything else, and I just can't seem to eradicate the bus driver arm. Any suggestions are much appreciated.


Switching Gears....




ODE TO TROOP 841
* Our first camping trip* Ahh seems like it was just yesterday that 14 or 15 of us ventured off to Camp O Fairwinds for our first taste of life in the wilderness.  We were really roughing it, mattresses on the floor, sleeping bags, eating off of green melmac dishes. I remember the first night after we had all calmed down, Mrs. Dyer had us settled in and working on arts and crafts.  Leave it to my mother to ruin that..... She slyly pulled Sarah, Leah, and I into the the kitchen, handed us each a bag of marshmallows and told us to go for it.  Sarah and Leah were a little puzzled but I knew what was going on because my family had been doing this shit since I came out of the womb.  So with out hesitation we led the charge into the main room and launched an attack that I'm quite certain gave poor Mrs. Dyer a mild stroke. The other thing that stands out in my mind about this trip was someone dropping Kristen Bonk's pajamas in the toilet, and her crying hysterically for hours about it... and someone hiding Liz's stuffed animal which subsequently caused her to hyperventilate.
*The first time I burped in front of Mrs. Dyer* Well as some of you may know, I have some gastrointestinal "issues" if you will.  Thanks to these "issues" when I burp it sounds like Sasquatch's mating call and sometimes a velociraptor.  If you haven't heard it, I can't really create the experience for you, its something that has to be heard to be believed.  Anyway... we were at camp again and we were working on some craft, boondagle key chains or sit upons or one of those damn things that you ONLY make at girl scout camp.  I was pretty enthralled in whatever I was making and not really paying attention to my surroundings and I opened my mouth and let out a bellow that I'm sure was heard the next cabin over.  A couple of the girls giggled, but they were all aware of my belching abilities, so it wasn't a shocker to any of them.  I said excuse me and went on tinkering with my prized art project. That was until I heard MONICA RENEE PARMER! and to the surprise of my ears, it wasn't my mother's voice that had just whipped out not 2 but 3 names, which as a child is always terrifying.  I hesitantly looked up from my craft and Mrs. Dyer was staring back at me with fire in her eyes.  I didn't even know what to say....I'd never heard her speak so loudly before.  I just stared back at her, and I think I finally muttered something along the lines of "sorry I have gas"  but I'm not for sure, I was too consumed by fear to remember.
*The trip to Timbers* As I recall this entire trip was a shit show, but there was one event that topped all the others.  We went to visit a camp in Traverse City called Timbers. On saturday afternoon we went into town to sight see, and attend 4 o'clock mass. Right before church we stopped at the beach.  It was too chilly to swim, but we walked in the water and picked up sea shells and the like.  On this little excursion to the Timbers, my mom made me pack a particularly hideous pair of tennis shoes that were given to me by God knows who.  They were Ryka high tops with a Velcro strap at the top, real primo shoes.  I hated these things but my mom didn't want me to get my "good tennis shoes" dirty.  So I reluctantly wore these abombminations the whole trip.  However, when it was time to leave the beach, I only had one of these fine pieces of footwear.  We searched high and low, near and far. Since I knew no one in their right mind would steal one of these disgusting things, I had to draw the conclusion that it had been washed out to sea or a seagull ate it.  Sooo....you would think that since I only had one shoe, that might have gotten me out of going to church.... WRONG-O.  Being the resourceful Girl Scouts that we were, we devised a plan.  I would hobble and use my mom as a crutch and make it look like I had been hurt and that's why I only have one heineous looking shoe on.  We later found out that Stephanie had buried my other shoe in the sand, good looking out!


I could be up for days posting these stories but I have to do something semi productive today.  That's all for now, hope you enjoyed Kimmay!


Stay classy cyber space!