Random photos brought to you via my crappy blackberry camera!

Tonight, Josh Julian and I went cruising down Woodward.  The weather was perfect, and surprisingly there were lots of cars out for it being this early in the year.  The highlight of my night besides smoking the tires off the TA, were these tender little morsels below. 

Exhibit A:

If you're really in a quandary about what to get mom for mother's day this year, have no fear, I've got your solution!  For the bargain price of $20 you can get your Mom washed 7 times!!!! Nothing says I love you like a good scrub and wax job.  It's even soft cloth towel dry for her pleasure.  I'm also told they will send her out with a free pine scented air freshener around her neck for no extra charge! That way your mom can smell like a freshly cut Christmas tree for weeks to come! Ok so maybe I let my imagination run with this one... buuuut... honestly what mother wants car washes for mothers day?!?! Dear Mom, Thank you for wiping my ass, cleaning up my puke, feeding me, helping with my home work, cleaning the skid marks out of my underwear, putting up with my obnoxious friends, understanding the first time I came home drunk and yacked in your flower bed, have a free car wash for your troubles! GET REAL TURDS! If any one of you get your mom this for mother's day you better start searching for an adoptive family because she will never forgive you, and rightfully so!

Exhibit B:

 If you're looking for the true one stop shop experience look no further than the dairy dream folks! You can get a thermal massage while your copies are being made, and then pick up a sack of coney's for the family on your way out.  However, I do have to caution you against eating the coney's and then getting the massage.  We all know what happens when we eat coney's, and you might get just a little too relaxed while you're getting that massage.  You wouldn't want to leave a stain on that nice white towel they cover your butt with now would you???

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not getting a massage at the same place I can also buy processed meat in a tube... but hey that's just me!

 And now for my favorite find of the evening.........

Exhibit C:

The slightly pregnant resale clothing shop... Hmmm... I had to chew on this one for a while.  Slightly pregnant aye??? Is this for people who just couldn't get it out in time, and the sperm hasn't quite made it to the egg yet???  It will get there eventually but it just hasn't found the Holy Grail ? Or is it for people that went to get plan B after a long night of drinking and they aren't sure if it's worked yet?  Might want to visit this place just in case the patented morning after pill is an epic failure.
Or is it for those unfortunate people that look pregnant but really aren't? You all know the ones I'm talking about... you see them and immediately wonder if they are pregnant or if they just enjoy the freedom of an elastic waistband.  None of these theories really worked for me so I had to draw the conclusion that the owner of this store is just A COMPLETE AND TOTAL KNOB JOB!!!! Give me an f-in break!!!! You cannot be slightly pregnant.  EITHER YOUR GARDEN HAS BEEN FERTILIZED OR IT HASN'T! The owner of this store is quite obviously a man, similar to Steve Carrell's character in the 40 year old virgin I would presume.  Someone take this tard ass to the free clinic and get him a brochure PUUUHLEASE!

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE OWNER OF SLIGHTLY PREGNANT YOU'VE JUST BEEN NAMED MORON OF THE MILLENNIUM!

That's all I've got for tonight.  Tomorrow is soccer practice and if were lucky the gem from my first post will be sporting something absolutely atrocious for me to tear apart.

Sweet Dreams...

Stay classy cyber space!

Celebrity Deathmatch... Monica Style... Installment numero uno

So this morning, as I was getting ready for work.... I was pondering a thought...If I could manage to corral a handful of the world’s biggest idiots and lock them in an abandoned warehouse for the rest of their days, who would I choose, why, and who would be the last one standing. Before I go any further, I know you're probably wondering who thinks about this stuff at 6 am?!?! But if you'll learn one thing from reading this blog, it's that when I'm all alone with my thoughts, my mind tends to wander into the realm of WTF?!?! Anyways… Here is the list I compiled. First, I will tell you who I chose and why I’d like to eradicate them from civilized life as we know it, and then I will give you a breakdown of who I think would be the last man standing.




Ready…… Set………. Go!



1. Sidney Crosby and Pierre McGuire- Why did I put these two as a pair you ask?!?! Well my friends, no one wants to complete the unpleasant task of removing Pierre’s little bulbous head from Sidney Crosby’s pampered ASS! So I guess they have no choice but to go together.

We’ll start with the Reigning Princess of the Puck, The Pride and Joy of Pittsburgh, The Biggest Vagine in the NHL… The one, the only (thank god) SIIIIDNEY CROOOOSBY!

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start or end with this piece of work. I’ve never seen a hockey player take more dives on the ice than this tool. Hockey is a sport for real men, with fur on their peaches; and let’s face it, not even Chris Columbus would be able to find Crosby’s nuts! However, my biggest problem with Crosby isn’t his horrible acting skills when he’s flailing about on the ice pretending to be hurt…It’s that he shows up when it’s convenient, when he can savor the glory. This isn’t a guy that is going to go out and sweat blood, tears, and spit out a few teeth if necessary, unless it’s in that key moment that will give the entire NHL another reason to attach their lips to his ass.

Now onto that little pip squeak Pierre…..My distain for Pierre can be summed up briefly, his comments are biased, the glare of his queue ball head is blinding, the mere sound of his voice makes me want to punch him right in the suck hole, plus he is Sydney Crosby’s number one fan, which by default makes him a Douche Bag (with a capital DB) in my book.

2. Speidi- Yes that’s right another pair… but let’s face it, these two have morphed together and formed a species all their own, so why bother talking about one without the other? I’m also pretty sure they share one half of one brain (for you math majors out there, that’s a quarter of a brain for each of them) I would liken their combined IQ to that of a squirrel that’s been run over by a semi, and then feasted on by vultures as it lay on the side of the road. Anyway… Spencer, we’ll start with you since you seem to be the ring leader, if you will. I know this has been done before, but I just can’t get over his damn flesh colored beard!!!!!! I mean seriously how do you manage to have hair that is exactly the same color as your flesh, and more importantly, because it is flesh colored, why bother with it?!?!?!?!? No one can tell it’s there unless it’s particularly shaggy and nasty so shave the damn thing, or at least put some black stripes in it or something that says “hey there, this is facial hair not skin.” Aside from his hideous physical appearance, he’s a Grade A fuck stick. I mean seriously he’s got to be one of the biggest assholes on the planet. They say he acts that way for the cameras, even so, no self respecting man would treat their wife and her family that way for any sum of money. Moving along… Heidi, Heidi, Heidi……I’m not really sure where her train derailed but she is certainly a train wreck. She looked good after her first plastic surgery, I will give her that. But then she stepped over the edge. Now she looks like a constipated drag queen. Here’s a new flash for you: The world can only stay enamored with people that are famous for absolutely no reason for so long…so… your gravy train will run out, right around the same time when all that plastic in your body starts to melt. Have fun maintaining that body with your paychecks from Celebrity Rehab.

3. George W. Bush- I know for a fact that this one will strike a nerve with some of the people reading this, so I won’t get into the multitude of issues I have with his political career. I will simply let George Speak for himself on this matter.
"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend." --George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." --George W. Bush, on liquidity in the markets, Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments." --George W. Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008


Nuff Said….

4. Celine Dion- FOR GOD’S SAKE WILL YOU RETIRE?!?!?!? Your music was never good to begin with, and even if it were, any shred of talent would be completely overshadowed by your larger than life ego. Contrary to what you might believe Celine, you are NOT the greatest singer in the world. I’d rather listen to a William Hung CD on repeat for the rest of my god forsaken life than sit through one of your concerts, at least William Hung knows he sucks! Moving right along….

5. Since were on the topic of washed up has beens that need to retire…BRETT FAVRE comes to mind! For the love of all that is holy……leave……..the………NFL……. FOR GOOD! We are all sick and tired of your ridiculous hem hawing over retirement. You should have taken what dignity you had left and retired 5 years ago. Yes, you had a good season last year, but you ended it the same way you ended your first season in the NFL, by being a choke artist. The NFL will not crumble because The Great Brett Favre isn’t a part of it. I’m sure you can get a commentating job alongside a respectable retired player, like Steve Young for instance. (Hi Steeeevie ;))



Ok I think that’s a good mix…. LET THE BATTLE ROYALE BEGIN!!!

So the first one gone would most definitely be Celine Dion. There are no mirrors or soundboards in my warehouse, so she wouldn’t be able to look at herself, and without a mixing board she would have to hear what her voice really sounds like, which would certainly send her into cardiac arrest.


Next to go would have to be Crosby due to a combination of the following factors:

- His daddy Mario Lemieux wouldn’t be there to shake his little weenie for him after he pees.

- Separation anxiety due to being away from Malkin for too long.

- Overwhelming fear that Ovechkin might become the NHL’s new poster child.

And we all know if Crosby is gone…. Pierre is gone too… He would just off himself because his one true love is dead… a real Romeo and Juliet saga.


So that leaves Speidi, Favre, and Bush….

In this story, it’s kill or be killed and since Favre can’t make up his damn mind about anything… my guess is, he gets taken out by Speidi in the 4th round.

Speidi vs. Dubbya

Chances are that “Dubbya” hasn’t even realized he isn’t in Texas anymore, and Speidi would exploit that just like they do everything else.

So there you have it… Speidi emerges victorious.


The moral of this story: If two athletes, a sports commentator, a singer, and a former president, can be overthrown by the likes of the degenerate species affectionately referred to as Speidi…. We’re all fucked!


Happy Trails…..


Stay classy cyber space!

My First Bloooog

I started this blog in response to a handful of people that are particularly amused by my facebook statuses (mostly my family who can appreciate my warped sense of humor). I don't know how much I will be able to post on here, but I'm sure that I will have plenty of inspiration from the idiots that I run across on a daily basis. If you find anything particularly hilarious, disgusting, moronic, or anything else you'd like to hear me rant about... send it my way and I'll see what I can do.

**Disclaimer**

If you don't enjoy poking fun at people and yourself from time to time don't read on. I have no filter between my brain and mouth, so if I think it, I write it. Some may find this to be a bit cruel, but it's all in good fun and I would pray that someone would have the nerve to say these things to me if I were in a similar situation.

The inspiration for my first blog comes to you compliments of a photo posted by Lindsey on Facebook. Let me preface this entry by stating that I feel kind of bad for ripping on this woman because we all know I have some junk in my trunk.... and I am in no way denying that or knocking women with a little meat on their bones, however, with that being said, it's all in what you do with what you've got. The other reason I don't feel bad for ripping on this woman is because she has spawned 3 of the whiniest, most diva-esque children in the world (two of them being of the male species).

First, I'll give you a little background on the woman in this photo. She is one of the parents in Julian's soccer league, she has triplets that are all in Julian's group. By the end of the first practice all 3 of her lovely children were in tears and I'm pretty sure her and especially her particularly feminine husband were on the verge of tears themselves. Her daughter was donning pink shin guards and metallic pink soccer shoes... she looked like she was straight out of flash dance. I think that's enough info for you to get the picture... now without further adieu... the photo!

Are you kidding me lady?!?! Did Ray Charles pick that outfit out for you?!?!

1. Spandex should be reserved for certain things such as working out, bike rides, and 80's dress up parties. It's not the first thing I would pull out of my closet to wear to my kids soccer game. You're lucky you're kids are only 4 and they don't understand what an abomination this is or they'd most certainly disown you, grow up, go on Oprah and blame all their problems on you!

2. I give you props for having triplets, but honey, you aren't Kate Gosselin and you didn't get free plastic surgery.

3. If you have to wear an extra shirt under a shirt just to stop your tummy from hanging out... It's time to retire the shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And lastly.....

4. I can empathize with the cottage cheese thighs and butt... I have my fair share... but if your pants are so tight that you can tell its large curd cottage cheese as opposed to small curd.... we've got a problem!

That's all for now....

Stay classy cyber space!