Celebrity Deathmatch... Monica Style... Installment numero uno

So this morning, as I was getting ready for work.... I was pondering a thought...If I could manage to corral a handful of the world’s biggest idiots and lock them in an abandoned warehouse for the rest of their days, who would I choose, why, and who would be the last one standing. Before I go any further, I know you're probably wondering who thinks about this stuff at 6 am?!?! But if you'll learn one thing from reading this blog, it's that when I'm all alone with my thoughts, my mind tends to wander into the realm of WTF?!?! Anyways… Here is the list I compiled. First, I will tell you who I chose and why I’d like to eradicate them from civilized life as we know it, and then I will give you a breakdown of who I think would be the last man standing.




Ready…… Set………. Go!



1. Sidney Crosby and Pierre McGuire- Why did I put these two as a pair you ask?!?! Well my friends, no one wants to complete the unpleasant task of removing Pierre’s little bulbous head from Sidney Crosby’s pampered ASS! So I guess they have no choice but to go together.

We’ll start with the Reigning Princess of the Puck, The Pride and Joy of Pittsburgh, The Biggest Vagine in the NHL… The one, the only (thank god) SIIIIDNEY CROOOOSBY!

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start or end with this piece of work. I’ve never seen a hockey player take more dives on the ice than this tool. Hockey is a sport for real men, with fur on their peaches; and let’s face it, not even Chris Columbus would be able to find Crosby’s nuts! However, my biggest problem with Crosby isn’t his horrible acting skills when he’s flailing about on the ice pretending to be hurt…It’s that he shows up when it’s convenient, when he can savor the glory. This isn’t a guy that is going to go out and sweat blood, tears, and spit out a few teeth if necessary, unless it’s in that key moment that will give the entire NHL another reason to attach their lips to his ass.

Now onto that little pip squeak Pierre…..My distain for Pierre can be summed up briefly, his comments are biased, the glare of his queue ball head is blinding, the mere sound of his voice makes me want to punch him right in the suck hole, plus he is Sydney Crosby’s number one fan, which by default makes him a Douche Bag (with a capital DB) in my book.

2. Speidi- Yes that’s right another pair… but let’s face it, these two have morphed together and formed a species all their own, so why bother talking about one without the other? I’m also pretty sure they share one half of one brain (for you math majors out there, that’s a quarter of a brain for each of them) I would liken their combined IQ to that of a squirrel that’s been run over by a semi, and then feasted on by vultures as it lay on the side of the road. Anyway… Spencer, we’ll start with you since you seem to be the ring leader, if you will. I know this has been done before, but I just can’t get over his damn flesh colored beard!!!!!! I mean seriously how do you manage to have hair that is exactly the same color as your flesh, and more importantly, because it is flesh colored, why bother with it?!?!?!?!? No one can tell it’s there unless it’s particularly shaggy and nasty so shave the damn thing, or at least put some black stripes in it or something that says “hey there, this is facial hair not skin.” Aside from his hideous physical appearance, he’s a Grade A fuck stick. I mean seriously he’s got to be one of the biggest assholes on the planet. They say he acts that way for the cameras, even so, no self respecting man would treat their wife and her family that way for any sum of money. Moving along… Heidi, Heidi, Heidi……I’m not really sure where her train derailed but she is certainly a train wreck. She looked good after her first plastic surgery, I will give her that. But then she stepped over the edge. Now she looks like a constipated drag queen. Here’s a new flash for you: The world can only stay enamored with people that are famous for absolutely no reason for so long…so… your gravy train will run out, right around the same time when all that plastic in your body starts to melt. Have fun maintaining that body with your paychecks from Celebrity Rehab.

3. George W. Bush- I know for a fact that this one will strike a nerve with some of the people reading this, so I won’t get into the multitude of issues I have with his political career. I will simply let George Speak for himself on this matter.
"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend." --George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009

"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." --George W. Bush, on liquidity in the markets, Alexandria, La., Oct. 20, 2008

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008

"There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk -- that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras -- it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments." --George W. Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008


Nuff Said….

4. Celine Dion- FOR GOD’S SAKE WILL YOU RETIRE?!?!?!? Your music was never good to begin with, and even if it were, any shred of talent would be completely overshadowed by your larger than life ego. Contrary to what you might believe Celine, you are NOT the greatest singer in the world. I’d rather listen to a William Hung CD on repeat for the rest of my god forsaken life than sit through one of your concerts, at least William Hung knows he sucks! Moving right along….

5. Since were on the topic of washed up has beens that need to retire…BRETT FAVRE comes to mind! For the love of all that is holy……leave……..the………NFL……. FOR GOOD! We are all sick and tired of your ridiculous hem hawing over retirement. You should have taken what dignity you had left and retired 5 years ago. Yes, you had a good season last year, but you ended it the same way you ended your first season in the NFL, by being a choke artist. The NFL will not crumble because The Great Brett Favre isn’t a part of it. I’m sure you can get a commentating job alongside a respectable retired player, like Steve Young for instance. (Hi Steeeevie ;))



Ok I think that’s a good mix…. LET THE BATTLE ROYALE BEGIN!!!

So the first one gone would most definitely be Celine Dion. There are no mirrors or soundboards in my warehouse, so she wouldn’t be able to look at herself, and without a mixing board she would have to hear what her voice really sounds like, which would certainly send her into cardiac arrest.


Next to go would have to be Crosby due to a combination of the following factors:

- His daddy Mario Lemieux wouldn’t be there to shake his little weenie for him after he pees.

- Separation anxiety due to being away from Malkin for too long.

- Overwhelming fear that Ovechkin might become the NHL’s new poster child.

And we all know if Crosby is gone…. Pierre is gone too… He would just off himself because his one true love is dead… a real Romeo and Juliet saga.


So that leaves Speidi, Favre, and Bush….

In this story, it’s kill or be killed and since Favre can’t make up his damn mind about anything… my guess is, he gets taken out by Speidi in the 4th round.

Speidi vs. Dubbya

Chances are that “Dubbya” hasn’t even realized he isn’t in Texas anymore, and Speidi would exploit that just like they do everything else.

So there you have it… Speidi emerges victorious.


The moral of this story: If two athletes, a sports commentator, a singer, and a former president, can be overthrown by the likes of the degenerate species affectionately referred to as Speidi…. We’re all fucked!


Happy Trails…..


Stay classy cyber space!