I'm back folks!!! Sorry for my month long hiatus, I know you're all beside yourselves... enough narcissism... I was feeling very uninspired and I have been and still am absolutely drowning at work, but all boo hooing aside. I would like to impart unto you some very valuable lessons that I learned on my venture to and from the 3rd world.
1. Julian wearing capri's is ok..... everywhere but in America.
On occasion Julian rocks a pair of girls capri's when he dresses himself at his mom's. I always feel slightly embarrassed for him, but I think it's hilarious at the same time. However, I learned that we just have a fashion forward 4 year old on our hands. I saw a man of nearly every nationality I can think of sporting these ridiculous manpri's. I love capri's as much as the next GIRL. Notice I said GIRL. NOT MAN! I think these look absolutely horrendous... maybe it's not so much the capri's as it was the neck scarfs that they usually paired them with. Who knows... but as far as I'm concerned America can stay behind the fashion scene on this one. If I see anyone wearing them in the states I will personally make a scene while I revoke their WRIF man card in front of all the poor civilians that are being subjected to this fashion travesty.
2. Paying 2 pesos for a bathroom does NOT mean it will include toilet paper or a sink.
Men may want to look away, only the ladies can appreciate this one. So we took a trek to Chichen Itza... and when I say trek I mean a 3 hour ride there and back. The trip there went fine, we made a few pit stops along the way at shops and because the stupid Brits had to pee every 25 miles. We toured the ruins in the sweltering heat for about 2 hours and then loaded back up into the van for the ride home. On the way home we stopped for lunch, a swim in a cenote, and a tour of an old Spanish city. Lunch was fabulous, and also the subject of the next lesson. Anyway... my terror struck at the Cenote. I was the most excited about this part of the trip so I ran through the swarm of barefoot children begging for food to the dressing room threw my swimsuit on and headed down to climb into the cenote, notice I said climb into, it was quite treacherous. I got in as far as I could without killing myself on the dagger like rocks and then decided to climb back out. I went into the dressing room and started changing my clothes, and to my utter dismay I noticed that little bitch mother nature had struck, in a bad way. So I left my swimsuit bottoms on and ran out to report the damage to Josh as if he was going to have a solution right?!?! Well as luck would have it he did. He gave me his dry swim trunks to throw on. So I did. I was scoping out the crowd to see if I could find an English speaking woman. I spotted a lady sitting alone on a swing, so I timidly approached her as if I was the only woman in the world that this had happened to. As soon as I muttered one word in English she started blurting NO SPEAK ENGLISH GIRL. EPIC FAIL. Back to the drawing board. I went back to the van to wait for some of the other girls in our tour group. When they got back I asked them and they all looked at me like I was a freak of nature and said no and walked away. BITCHES. I wanted to tell the aforementioned swarm of starving children that they were hiding steaks in their purses and watch them get mobbed, but I had already pissed mother nature off, and I didn't want the karma train to run me over too. So I just got in the van and sat there. Quite honestly I just wanted to cry, but I refrained. So I asked our tour guide Jose, what the odds were of us hitting a drug store on our way home. As luck would have it, there was one in this little town that we were headed to next. AMEN! Everyone was back to the van and ready to go except of course the dip shit Brits who couldn't tell time if the queen mother's life depended on it. We departed upon their return, well after I fed the kids every last snack I had in my bag aside from a beef jerky stick that Josh demanded I save for him. Luckily the town was only about 10 minutes away, I spotted the sign that said Pharmacia right away. We booked it as soon as the van stopped. I walk in and I see a small display of the recognizable blue and yellow boxes... ahhh tampax... there is a God! So I grabbed a box, which was completely caked in dust and approached the cash register, they were only 40 pesos (about $3.50) but at that point I probably would have paid 50 US dollars for them. I paid the cashier and asked "Donde esta el banos?" She looked at me like I had just spoke Greek, but I was sure I said it right! So I just kept repeating banos until she got it. She pointed down the road to the left and said dos blocks. We took off down the road and came to this outdoor food court area and I saw a sign that said "Banos" When I got back there the "banos" looked like a janitor's closet with a lady collecting money out in front. She said 2 pesos, all I had was $1, so I handed it to her and she rolled her eyes and handed me a handful of coins that were probably worth 2 pennies each. I headed around the corner to find a series of short cement walls with old table cloths hung in front of them. I tried the first one... occupied by a 150 year old woman with some severe gastrointestinal problems. Onto the second stall, with a Santa Claus table cloth... empty. I went in, did what I had to do, and then reached for TP....... and nothing.........not a shred. Hmmm... ok.... my thoughts immediately shifted from myself to the lady in the first stall... what is she.... ummm nevermind. Maybe that's why they use table cloths for doors.... grosssssss. Moving along.......So I air dried for a few moments and headed out, only to find two toothless Mexican guys smiling and waiting for the Merry Christmas stall... yikes. I turned the corner where the sink would go in a NORMAL bathroom and all I saw was a bucket with dirty water and mop in it. I'll pass on the ecoli... thanks. I suppose there are 2 lessons to be learned here... A) never venture into the jungle without your feminine hygiene kit and B) Don't assume that because you paid to use a toilet, that it comes with extra perks like toilet paper and a sink.
3. When they say something is "caliente" in Mexico... they aren't fucking around.
We stopped at a buffet for lunch on the way home from the ruins. It was a huge place out in the middle of nowhere, and the food was great. I got to the end of the buffet line where they had the toppings for the tacos and I see a bowl of chopped green peppers of some sort with a sign that says "caliente".... (which means hot in case there are any slow ones out there) Hot??? SIGN ME UP! I love spicy food! So I get a big heaping spoonful and plop it on my taco. Josh gets a little tiny bit and we head back to the table. I tried the other things on my plate first... thinking I was saving the best for last. Josh took a bite of his and said "oh wow that is REALLY hot" I looked at him with doubting eyes and thought to myself.... pussy..... So I picked my taco up and took a big bite. At first nothing.... then after about 10 seconds I experienced a burn like I've never felt in my life!!!! It was like I had just chugged a gallon of molten lava. I felt my face go flush and I became light headed. I started grabbing any form of starch I could find and shoving it into my suck hole, because of course they hadn't brought our drinks yet. I could feel the laughing eyes of the all the employees around me, and I could almost hear them thinking "Stupid American Girl" One waiter couldn't help but comment, he walked over and said and I quote "What matter lady, too hot?" I just nodded and snarled at him, he said he would go get our drinks. It was almost as if they hold off on getting you your drinks until you desensitize all your taste buds on their ridiculously hot mystery sauce. Anyway... lesson learned... mild means medium, medium means hot, and Hot means you'll need a fire extinguisher, an artic glacier, and the biggest bottle of tums you can find.
I have a few more that I want to add but I'm spent... so we'll call this the main course, dessert to follow.
Stay classy cyber space!
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