Hello Again....

Well, its been quite awhile since I last graced the blogosphere with my presence.  I must say that I have missed it.  Some how I have morphed into an obsessive compulsive workaholic with no time to do anything but work, or think about work or bitch about work (mostly a whole lot of the last one).  Honestly, I throw up in my mouth a little everytime I think about it, and I have trouble making eye contact with myself in the mirror. So many blogworthy things have happened and  I swore each time that I would go home blog about them, but as per usual, having the best of intentions has gotten me absolutely nowhere. But here I am now, faced with the harsh reality that if I don't do some sort of venting about the steaming turd sandwhich that life has served me lately, then I'm just going to implode.

For as much as I have missed blogging, I am sitting here grasping at straws for any sort of inspiration for this entry.  I guess I'm going to have to ease back into this.   As much as I really wanted to have some revolutionary blog entry this evening, I feel that with my current sour attitude and cynicism at an all time high that I just need to get some things off my chest.... and then maybe in a few days we'll have a good laugh together...capiche?? Gooood!
So I will leave you with this little nugget chocked full of angst....

Types of people that should be wiped from the gene pool:

- The ego maniac- Yes it may seem like such an easy target, and an obvious first pick on the list of "assholes you don't want be alone in a room with" however...I'm talking about a particularly hideous breed of ego maniac that I've been running across lately.  The types that think so highly of themselves that they feel their opinion is the remedy to any problem.  Case and point: my 46 year old soon to be divorced boss who has no friends, takes a pill everytime she farts, and thinks that "drinking on my meds is perfectly fine" giving me life and relationship advice.  This would be the equivalent of going to a plumber for a back ache.  This hot mess honestly thinks that she has some sort of valuable knowledge to impart onto me when she is such a mess that she can't even remember if she put underwear on without looking down her pants.  Seriously please get over yourself, and do us all a favor and stop washing your happy pills down with a case of Budweiser. Another stellar example who shall remain nameless for HIPAA compliance: a client that we write life insurance on every year who happens to be a 60 some year old doctor that has to take viagra to keep up with his 30 year old girlfriend. He  had to provide a financial statement to justify the need for him to have more insurance.  We asked for a statement written and signed by the CPA, but what we got was a note typed by the client breaking down the items that make up his 20 million dollar net worth.  I'm reading along and everything seems normal.... property, cars, investments, 401k etc, all with current values listed, then I come across the last item on the page and it says Personality: $675,000..................................... hmmm..... really... you honestly think that your personality is worth $675k??????????? a) you are a skeezer that is dating someone young enough to be your daughter b) you're pompus enough to think that your shining demeanor has monetary value, I'd say all total your personality would put you in the hole for a cool million.....jackass.............

-The One Upper- Similar to the ego maniac in the sense that they must always be superior, but usually insecure thus making them twice as annoying.  You all know the type I'm talking about, if you did something they did it 20 times better, blind folded, with one arm tied behind their back, in a blizzard with Ghandi.... ok maybe I took that a little far but I think I've heard worse. The biggest problem with the one upper is that they quite obviously think that rest of us are a bunch of brainless naives that will jump aboard the S.S. Bullshit and buy into their ridiculous stories. Note to the one uppers that may be reading this: no one will ever call you out on this because as soon as you leave the room, we all laugh at you.  Who is going to pass up that kind of free entertainment? Not I ladies and gentlemen, Not I.

- I like to call this next personality type "Analysis Paralysis"... You can interpret this name in a number of ways... allow me to explain.  1) They over analyze everything to the point that listening to, and answering ALL 180,567 of their questions makes being paralyzed sound fun. 2) The more appropriate interpretation of this term: analyzing things to the point that it cripples their ability to think about anything else.  We could also call these people "what if-fers".  I find that having a conversation with these people is much like having a conversation with a child between the ages of 3-5 when they go through their "why" phase, where every statement you make is followed up with why or how come?  The problem is, these are adults, and as much as I would like to, I cannot give these fools a piece of candy to shut them up, or threaten to take away their Lincoln Logs for a day if they don't stop asking questions.  What I have found effective in shutting these assholes up is this... let them get about 5 questions deep... and then say: We could sit here and talk about this all day, but the world could end tomorrow and then we will have wasted our last day talking about something insignificant. This will literally cause the person to shut up and start analyzing what they need to do today if the world is going to end tomorrow. So cruel yet oh so effective.

-Last but not least, everyone's favorite: The Eeyore- Eeyore's can by identified quickly by listening for a few key phrases such as: " Nobody likes me" "No one understands me" " No one would ever want to be with me" etc.  These types really make me want to take that shovel that they use to dig for compliments and shove it straight up their patoot. NEWFLASH: IF ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND AND TALK ABOUT  HOW NO ONE LIKES YOU, THEN IN FACT NO ONE WILL LIKE YOU. Perhaps you could try actually having a personality or contributing something to a conversation other than your insecurities. Everyone is allowed to have them, but you don't need to share them with the world everyone time you open your mouth.  Lets not get this confused with self depricating humor, which I am a huge fan of.  Everyone needs to have to ability to laugh at and poke fun at themselves, that is what will make peope like you, then you won't have to sit around with that sand in your vagina whining about how you have no friends.

Stay classy cyber space!